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Got any jokes to tell? (Thread)

Here;s mine. I don't own this.
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

It was a hot summers day and some nuns were in church... It was so hot they descided to take of there clothes... Then they heard a load knock at the door and started panicing then they asked "Who is it?" then the person replied "A blind man" then they thought 'Ok, good he's blind he wont see anything' then they told him he could open the door, he walked inside and said "Nice tits, so where do I install these blinds?"

I wanna here some good jokes! If you do I will give you online ice-cream!

Does it really matter how you spell dyslexia?

no not really unless your a perfectionist.

A guy walked into a bar and said...


answer this: 5+6=? how many hands do you have? tell me honestly what did you answer :D

A scientist and a jew walk into a bar.

I forgot the rest of the joke but your mom is a whore.

well I now good ones but they are to long to write down so...
2 penguins are sitting on a fridge
says one to the other 'may I push you of?'
says the other 'no'

so a guy comes into a horse... oh no, wait.

...I have a good one..
Knock Knock
Come in
... ah wait that's not it...

OOOHHH I HAVE A GOOD ONE! Okay here it goes~ Theres 3 girls whose parents named them according to what fell on their heads when they were born. The first girl says "Mom, why did you name me Rose?" Mom:"Because a rose fell on your head." The second girl asks "Mom, why did you name me Lily?" Mom:Because a lily fell on your head." The third girl goes~Blaahuhhguiihhiif. Dad:"Shut-up Cinderblock and go to your room!" Lol funny but kinda cruel.

whose there?
the doctor
the doctor who?

joke made up by yours truly :D

A man caring about someone elses problems

Eh... I heard this from somewhere...

Knock, knowck.

"Who's there?"


"Bill who?"

"Collecting your bill."

thoughts: it was really funny when I first heard it, but now it seems to have lost its charm. Probably no one finds it funny...

[edited]: If you want something funny, consider reading "Crayon Shin-Chan."

@Nandaba and @astrogaijin LOL!! Thank you two. You have made my day ^_^

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

I dont own this!

Two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was excellent.

How do you make a plummer sad?

You kill his whole family.

Theres this woman and she goes to the doctor complaining of stomach aches and the doctor does a few test and tells her" you've got three worms in you we need to operate! " well the first worm says " you hear that? " second worm says" yes sir i did" first worm goes" im gonna hide behind the heart! " second worm says" hell im gonna hide behind the liver! " third worm says" ta hell with you guys im catchin the 8:15 outta here! "

One day a blonde was feeling sad because she didn't have any money so she decided to go to the nearest park and kidnap a child for a ransom. When she gets to the park she finds a kid under a big tree and writes a not saying," If you ever want to see your son again leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag under the big tree in the park signed A Blonde." Then she proceeded to pin the note to the kid and send him home. The next day when she came back there was a brown paper bag under the tree with the $10,000 and a note that said," How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Here some that I don't own:
Three men go to heaven to be judged. Got takes them to a cliff and says,"I want you to run and jump off of the edge. Whatever you say when you jump is what you will turn into."
The first man runs, jumps, and shouts,"Eagle!" He turns into an eagle.
The next man runs, jumps, and shouts,"Firetruck!" He turns into a firetruck.
The last man runs, jumps......and trips,"SHIT!"

A comedian at a club is doing yo mama jokes with his mother in a kinda fight.
"Yo mama so ugly, she look at the mirror and cracked it," he says.
His mother comes back with, "Yo mama so fat, the last time she say her weight was on the 90210."
"Yo mama so old, when she farts, dust comes out!" He says.
"Well yo mama so nasty, she sucked your dad's dick, then went to give you a kiss good night." she says with a smile.
The comedian looks shocked, drops the mic, and leaves without another word.

Three boys are walking in a field. One is white, one is mexican, and one is black. A bird swoops down and lands in front of them. "Your dad is a doctor, aint he," it asks the white boy. "Yea," was his answer. The bird then asks the boy if he wanted to learn how to fly. The boy gets on its back and they fly high into the air. Once they are up super high, the bird turns over, the white boy falls, and dies.
Then he flies to the Mexican boy. "Your dad works at the construction site don't he," it asks. "Yep,"was his answer. He then goes on to do to the mexican what he did to the white.
Finally he goes to the black boy. "Aint yo daddy that big shot laywer, son," it asks. "Yes," was his answer. He offers to teach the boy to fly and the boy gets on his back. They fly higher and higher. Then the bird turns over. Instead of falling like the other two, the black boy held on to the bird. He was punching the shit out of it.
The bird lands and the black boy leaves. "The boys told me not to mess with these niggas," was all the bird said while nursing his wounds.

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