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dirty jokes (Thread)

sup every one this is my first thread and i just wanted to find some dirt or great jokes so gime what u gotX^j

Please make your opening post more... Formal

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

oh, snap.

great joke @noodle and ill remember to make my openings more formal

I found this. Lol.

A man walked into a bar room one day

A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.

alright i just found this one. as an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman."she removes all her clothing and asks, "is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"a man stands up, removes his shirt and says,"here iron this!".

lol

Three guys are standing at heavens gate. When they reach the gate St. Peters come out and says " well guys heavens getting kinda full so im only allwoed to let people in who died tragic deaths." The first guys comes up and say " well i live on the 25th floor of my building. one day i came home from work and found my wife cheating on me. I tour the place apart trying to find him.Finally i went out on the balcony. There hanging from the railing was a man. I started punching and kicking him telling him to go die. He wouldn't let go. So i went inside and grabbed a hammer. I came back and started pounding on his hands. he finally let go. But he landing in the bushes below. So i grabbed the refrigerator and threw it over the railing. because of this i had a heart attack and died right there." " well thats a horriable way to die go right on in" St. Peters said.
The second guys come up " I live on the 26th floor of my building. I was outside doing my yoga when i fell over the railing. luckely i cought the balcony below me. However i didn't have the strenght to pull my self up. Thats when a man came out. He started yelling at me and tellng me to go die. Iwouldn't let go. Then he got a hammer and started pounding on my hands. I had to let go. luckely i landing in the bushes. Then a refrigerator lands on me and kills me." ST. Peters says"killed by a refrigerator go on in."
The thrird guy comes up and says "ok,get this, i'm hiding naked in a refrigerator."

@sammy Nice one, I actually laughed

I know some Harry potter Pick Up Lines that are dirty:

Lets go down to the shrieking shack and make some shrieking of our own.

Once I'm done with you, they will be calling you MOANING myrtle.

You know platform 9 3/4, well I know something else that size.

Girl: I'm going to bed.
Boy: Mind if I Slytherin?

@sammy that was a good one @mairu lol:-D

@Mairu_Orihara lol the slytherin jk made me giggle

ok three ducks are sent to the principals office. the principal goes up to the first duck and asks "whats your name?" then says "quack" the principal then asks "and what were you doing to get in trouble" the duck then says "blowing bubbles" the principal goes up to the next duck and asks the same 2 questions the secend duck says "quack quack" and "blowing bubbles" he then goes to the third duck say "let me guess yuor names quack quack quack" the third duck say "no my names bubbles".

Watch the whole thing, all 4 parts, freaking hilarious.

What is the difference between female abo (tribes of retards that live like cavemen, easy to spot in Australia) and female athlete?
Easy.
The female abo is cunning runt,
And the fem athlete is running cunt :P

sup every one i'm back on the colorless, killer jokes (^_^)

Warning: tons of bad language!! continue at your peril!

So there's a young boy and his household is preparing for a dinner party. Nobody's around and he has nothing to do, so he wanders upstairs and into his older sister's room. His older sister is on the phone, and she looks annoyed because she's just been turned down for a job. She ends the call, growling "Bitches and bastards!" The young boy overhears this, and asks innocently,

"What does that mean?"

"It means ladies and gentlemen!" The sister covers up her swearing. The boy leaves the room and goes into his older brother's room. His older brother is with his girlfriend, and says to her "I'm putting a condom on!" The young boy overhears it and asks,

"What does condom mean?" The older brother panics, because now is not the time for his little brother to be in his room.

"It means coat! Now go away!" The young boy leaves the room. As his siblings aren't interested in entertaining him, he goes into his parents' room, where his mother is putting on mascara. Her hand slips, she gets mascara on her face and exclaims,

"Shit!" The young boy overhears and asks,

"What does that mean?"

"It means make-up!" The mother quickly replies. The young boy leaves her to finish putting mascara on and heads down to the kitchen, where he finds his father slicing up a large turkey for the dinner party. Suddenly his father's hand slips and he cuts his finger.

"Fuck!" He shouts, in obvious pain. The boy overhears this, and asks,

"What does it mean?" His father is panicking, because if his wife hears that he's been teaching the boy swearwords, he'll be in hot water.

"It means to cut." He comes up with the first excuse he can find, pretending that it's to do with the turkey. The boy leaves his father to finish preparations when the doorbell rings- it seems that their guests have come early. Because everyone is busy, the boy answers the door to the guests, and says,

"Hello bitches and bastards. Please put your condoms on the hanger. Mom's upstairs putting shit on her face and Dad's fucking the turkey."

SAD story of a Man.

Last week was my Birthday. My wife didn't greet me. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work. Even my colleagues did not greet me.

As i entered my office my beautiful and sexy secretary said, "Happy Birthday boss!" I instantly felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch she invited me to her APARTMENT.

We went there.

She said, "Do you mind if i go into my bedroom for a minute?"
"OK" i said in a sexy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake,
and my Wife, My Parents, My Kids, My Friends, and My Colleagues, all screaming "S U R P R I S E !" And i was waiting on the sofa, naked.

Ok here is my try on a dirty joke:
A son walks up to his dad one day. "Dad, I want to fuck," he says.
They head out to the back yard and find a tree. The dad drills a whole in it and says, "When your dick can fit in here, come find me." He tries to make it fit but its just not large enough.
Three months pass by and the boy decides to try again. He sticks his dick inside and feels a burning sensation. Bees had stung him but he didn't know that.
"Dad! Dad! Come look! I fit, I fit!"
"Here son, take this dollar and give it to the first woman you meet. She will have sex with you for it," Dad says.
Later on the boy returns. "I just had sex!"
"With who?"
"Grandma."
"What! You had sex with my mother!"
"You had sex with mine!" the boy shouts back.

And here is the second one I though of:
A young man walks into a bar. He sits next to a old woman and orders his drink. The woman turns to him and asks,"Have you ever wanted to have sex with a mother and daughter at the same time?"
"I never thought about it before but I would give it a try," he replies.
"Good then come with me," she said.
They drive to her house and walk inside. "Make yourself comfortable and we will be ready in a few minutes," the old woman tells him. She walks toward the stairs and when she reaches the bottom step, she calls out,"Ma come down here! I found one!"

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