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My story thingey. Feedback appreciated. (Thread)

Okay, i have a tendency to have really fucking long showers (because of my OCD) so to entertain myself i make up stories, and some of them turns out to be prettY good so im starting to write one of them down. This is the first time i write a story so no hate. You are allowed to dislike it, but tell me why you dont like it, and how i can make it better instead of telling me that i suck. Its a work in progress but this is what i got so far:

Gymnastics class was just finished and everyone was in the locker room, well except Simon who rushed out without taking a shower. And as always, he forgot some of his stuff. I just came out from the shower and went to sit in the corner next to the door while drying my hair. Suddenly someone knocked on the door. David yelled “It’s probably Simon, coming to get his stuff, again. Let him in Jake.” David is the class’s douchebag, he thinks everyone is his bitch. Since I weren’t in the mood for getting in an argument with David I opened the door without giving it too much thought. Do my big surprise it wasn’t Simon, it was a girl from my gymnastics class, Jenny. Realizing that I didn’t have any clothes on she lifted a hand in front of her eyes while I took the towel from my head and quickly wrapped it around my waist. We both blushed and both of us said “I’m sorry.” almost at the same time. I realized she was just wearing a towel and I gave her a somewhat questioning look. She seemed like she just remembered why she was here, and said. “Um, the other girls decided that it would be a fun prank to push me out of the locker room and lock the door behind me. Do you think I may go through your locker room and enter the girls’ locker from the gym hall door?” She was stuttering a bit and looked at my face only for a really short while, it seemed that she was about as shy as me. “Of course you can.” I said. She followed me in. The other guys were looking at us, David was shouting “Helping a damsel in distress I see, you should “pay him back” for this Jenny.” while making thrusting motions in the air. David knew that I was really shy and probably tried to make it really uncomfortable for both of us. David’s little “fan club” was joining in on the thrusting. I saw that jenny was getting uncomfortable, so I held my left hand over her eyes. She gave me an acknowledging nod so I put my right hand on her right shoulder and led her to the gymnastics hall.

How about putting them in paragraphs for starters?

Someone should animate this.

I have a feeling you were fapping to this in the shower. But other then that thought, it wasn't bad. :3
I'm with Fieyr for the animation~

There are a lot of grammar/punctuation mistakes.
There are words that make absolutely no sense in the context of the sentence.
There doesn't seem to be any sort of structure at all.

It was extremely hard to get through because of these errors and it was honestly almost painful to read.

Uhh... I see the beginning of a potential hentai for this.
And err.... Unless if this really is hentai, what's the point of this again?

No i were not fapping to it and its not going to end up as an hentai. Im gonna put in paragraphs, but i dont really have any good rules of where to do so. If anyone have any good resources for learning to write in english, please share them.

Also, english is'nt my first language, if that woks an an excuse.

Every paragraph has a general idea. If the idea's different then it's a new paragraph.

There might be more rules but I'm not sure about them.

<See how I'm doing it? The first idea is about paragraphs having general ideas and the second one is about my uncertainty of whether there are more rules>

Edit: No, it doesn't work as an excuse unless your language doesn't use paragraphs

Seemed like a nice little excerpt from a school romance story, I liked it. I'd be happy to attempt to edit it for you to stop the moaners if you want. :P

I think this is great ^^

Im gonna continue on the story but i just broke my right hand so it might go slow.

and @eterno the me not being english thing werent an excuse for the paragraphs, but the words that seemed out of place.

Oh and @Keri if you want to rewrite it with proper english, that would have been awesome
.

Hope it's ok, I'm a little tired but I think it should be adequate. XD

Gymnastics class had just finished and everyone was in the locker room, well except Simon who rushed out without taking a shower. And as always, he had forgotten some of his stuff. I just came out from the shower and went to sit in the corner next to the door. While drying my hair, suddenly someone knocked on the door. David yelled “It’s probably Simon, coming to get his stuff again. Let him in, Jake.” David is the class douche-bag and he thinks everyone is his bitch.

Since I wasn't in the mood for getting in an argument with David I opened the door without giving it too much thought. To my big surprise it wasn’t Simon, it was a girl from my gymnastics class - Jenny. Realizing that I didn’t have any clothes on, she lifted a hand in front of her eyes while I took the towel from my head and quickly wrapped it around my waist. We both blushed and said “I’m sorry.” almost at the same time.

I realized she was just wearing a towel and I gave her a somewhat questioning look. She seemed like she just remembered why she was here and said. “Um, the other girls decided that it would be a fun prank to push me out of the locker room and lock the door behind me. Do you think I could go through your locker room and enter the girls’ locker from the gym hall door?” She was stuttering a bit and looked at my face only for a moment, it seemed that she was about as shy as me. “Of course you can." I said and she followed me in.

The other guys were looking at us, David was shouting “Helping a damsel in distress I see. You should pay him back for this, Jenny.” while making thrusting motions in the air. David knew that I was really shy and probably tried to make it really uncomfortable for both of us. David’s little “fan club” was joining in on the thrusting and I saw that jenny was getting uncomfortable, so I held my left hand over her eyes. She gave me an acknowledging nod so I put my right hand on her right shoulder and led her to the gymnastics hall.

I think over-all it's a good story, however just the way you start it it doesn't make me feel like i should care about your character until later on in the story when Jenny comes in. I feel that just jumping into the story with talking about Simon and david it made me think, "Who are they? Whats going on?" I think you should just have a good starting where you introduce both characters other than what you did. Also at the end i felt you were being redundant by saying he "put my right hand on her right shoulder..." I feel that putting which hand he used is adding too much information that the reader doesn't need. The point of that was to put his hand on her shoulder to lead her through the locker room. Try just saying "I put my free hand on her right shoulder and led her to the gymnastics hall."
All and all this is a good start and if you intend to finish it i would very much like to read the rest. :)

You could acctually draw this into manga, maybe without all the details haha! I liked it a lot, you've got skills Shorono!

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